


Maybe Someday

by kangelique



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M, First Person Point of View, Gen, Killian's point of view, Season 3, reflections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 04:46:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15453642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kangelique/pseuds/kangelique
Summary: Killian's reflection on Emma's walls at the almost end of season 3.





	Maybe Someday

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it!

**Maybe Someday** :

She was afraid. It scared the living hell out of her at the mere possibility.

I didn't understand at first. But I'd been an orphan too. My whole life, really.

Never knowing of the mother who could give me a goodnight kiss on the forehead the way I saw a mother do to his boy as he settled his head against the pillow and then she told him the story of a brave little soldier who conquered his fears, all of them, never letting the darkness snuff out the light he had within him, guarding it like a life line, protecting it from the beasts and crocodile and snow monsters that each came to try to take it.

I wanted that story. With my father, I thought maybe I would have become that boy. A fighter. But I became a fighter for other things. Hate the biggest of them all. Never a fighter for the light. Because hate whispered me the words that filled my ears and told me that was how I could get through life : By the help of hate. 

So I let it in. Damn, I let it in.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had let go then, moved on and chose to change. To find love, to be open to finding love again but not at this present time. 300 years back. If it would have worked. If it would have been true love. If I'd really become the boy from the story if I had chosen to let go. But I knew I felt too much.

I knew once I set my eyes on someone, it felt like I would have my eyes on her forever. It killed to wait. But when I met her emerald eyes, I knew I would indulge in every bit of the wait with a happiness and giddiness. Because she made me giddy.

It brought out the Killian Jones in me that had been there before his brother died in his arms, feeling as he took his last breath and just like that he was gone from the world. She brought out the shy. 

And at first I wanted to withdraw because, what was she doing?.

i didn't think it could be in me to be that boy from the story. Boy who still had light. Turns out he did. Turns out I did. And she ressurected that without even noticing. I couldn't be more grateful. Because I'd secretly been needing that for years, centuries. And she'd been the only one able to bring out that version of the boy. All because of her walls. The more she pushed away, the more it made meaning. The more sense of my myself came back.

And when she kissed with a passion and brought those lips to mine, I knew I was long gone now. Probably since the beanstalk. Probably since she first questioned me. 

The thing was I needed that. The very self of who she was brought out the best in me. And for a long time I'd thought that my Milah had been the one to bring out the best in me. Truth was that with her I was still a pirate. With Milah, I was only Killian Jones behind closed doors. 

But with Emma it was different. 

I don't think she really expected there to be someone under the leather and hook. I don't think she expected someone able to understand her, but I did. 

I would forever love Milah, and a part of me hated that she hadn't been the one to fully bring out the Killian Jones in me. The better me. The part of me that had carried light once upon a time, and even gone as far as loving the light when he'd had his brother at his side and a royal ship at his command. 

Then I think a lot about my decisions. Choices. Everything I could have done differently. Every single thing that could have changed because of it. And I realize that if not for the pirate, Milah never would have come to notice the man in front of her. If maybe she would have looked right through me. Because I knew Milah, and she'd craved for adventures. For exploration. For new tales to tell. And deep down I'd never wanted that. I'd done that, of course. But it wasn't truly me. I'd fooled myself into thinking it was because that was a pirate's life.

One adventure after the other. 

A part of me loved it.

But the bigger part of me had always loved concrete. And Emma wanted concrete. She'd been looking for concrete probably all her life. For once I admitted to myself that I wanted concrete. That I'd been looking for it too, all along without knowing. Without realizing that I craved it just as hard as she did. That I wanted it just as she did, despite how scared it made her to admit it, to even think about it. 

I was right, love had been all too rare in her life. 

It had brought her walls, taken away any semblance of the young girl with glasses and a ponytail and red lips. It had stripped her of hope and possibility and closure. And I think that's what I loved the most. It wasn't just her fierceness or how truly beautiful she was. 

No.

It was who she was and who she'd been that I loved completely. 

Her walls shut everyone else out, but not me. I loved her walls. It wasn't just breaking them down, it was knowing that once they came down she was there waiting on the other side for me to reach her. Nobody really walked head-first into Emma Swan's walls and stayed there until they got through to her. 

I sat there and stayed. 

She was more than irritated a number of times, but that was because it was working. Because she'd never known a person who decided to make a spot to sit down on the other side of her wall and wait until she was ready. She didn't know how to take it, what to make of it. 

There was fear, and I accepted that fear too.

All of it. 

Her fears had brought out my change. Her whole self had changed me. I knew for sure it was going to be a long, long road. But I wanted that if it meant I got to walk it with her hand in hand, even if she was still not ready to hold my hand or walk next to me at all, but still willing to go down that same road too.

The words echoed in my head.  _So yeah, I'm going to keep running until I find that._

A home.

She'd been running to get there for a long time now. And she would continue until she felt that feeling. That feeling that when you go, when you walk out that door and you're away for a few days, and you immediately think that you miss your room or that nice couch you somehow randomly end up falling asleep on during the day, that you miss it. That you immediately miss it. 

Because it's yours. And you know it's yours. You miss it instantly. And she did have it. She just didn't realize it. She needed to come to that realization all on her own. And she did. 

Then she did.

Storybrooke was her home.

It was the people there that made it home. All of them.

In a way they were her family. In a way that even though she hadn't grown up a princess and up to her royal status, she was still a part of them. Completely. And in a different way. 

But now she was okay with it. 

And maybe someday, I would be her home too.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Season 3 was by far my favorite season and not just because we got to see more sparks fly between Emma and Hook, but because we got to see how she slowly opened herself up to him and how it slowly began to change the pirate. It was about a bunch of little milestones between them, and I realize that Killian was a passionate man because when he loved, he loved hard. So I wanted to show how that came to affect him with Emma.


End file.
